don't know how long I sat there. Probably not long. Enough crying. I had to go take care of Amy and Victoria. I tried to make myself presentable, so as not to scare the hell out of Amy, but I figured that after five minutes it would not make any difference anyway. I was just so numb I did not care about anything anymore, except Victoria and Amy. I grabbed a bag of stuff they might need and headed out to the car.
I don't remember the trip to Katie's house. As I drove up to the front and parked, I was surprised to see Amy sitting on the front porch. As soon as she saw me, she ran to meet me, hugging me tight.
"Daddy, what's wrong with Cindi? She's gone; I can't feel her anymore, what's happened, where is she?"
atized frame of mind, was willing to latch on to anything except the job I had to do.
"What do you mean, you can't feel her, Amy?"
"She's not there, Daddy, she's gone, I can't feel her! What's happened to her?"
Amy was starting to get hysterical. The solid rock of my life, her and Victoria, and she was falling apart right in front of me. Might as well get this over with; it was not going to get any easier.
"Amy, honey, I'm so sorry, Cindi was killed in a car accident a little while ago." I managed to get it out without breaking down too badly. I had to be strong for my little girl.
Strangely, Amy actually calmed down some when I told her. She hugged me tight, with her head buried in my chest.
"I was afraid something like that happened," she mumbled. "Oh god, Daddy, what am I going to do now?" she wailed heartbrokenly.
"We have to get to the hospital, honey. I have to check on Mom. She was in the accident too, and I have to see how she is doing."
Instantly, the caring, sympathetic Amy kicked in.
"Daddy. Mommy's OK." I just looked at her. Now was not the time to ask her how she knew that.
I saw Katie run out of the house towards us. She had tears running down her face. She hugged us both.
"I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?" Katie asked.
"No. Something has come up. I have to take Amy home."
"She's not going to come back tonight, is she?" Katie asked.
"No, Honey, I'm afraid not."
"I'm so sorry," Katie sobbed, and ran back to the house. It wasn't until much later that I realized what she had said, and what she had not asked.
I got Amy into the car, and drove to the hospital. We were taken into a private room off to the side. A doctor and nurse joined us immediately. Then a state trooper came in to join us. Amy and I were sitting on an exam bed; she was leaning into me and I had my arm around her. She was crying softly, her eyes closed.
I asked the doctor how Victoria was and the police officer what happened. They looked questioningly at Amy, then back to me.
"Amy, honey, do you want to go lay down in the other room while I talk to these men?"
"NO! I'm not leaving you! Please don't leave me alone," she begged, her eyes pleading with me. I looked at them and nodded to go on.
"Your wife is doing well. Some impressive bruising, a few contusions, and some burns on her hands, but all in all, in very good shape. We will probably keep her overnight, but she can go home tomorrow." He seemed relieved that he could give me some good news, at least. "I think once you hear what the policeman has to say, it will be unnecessary to explain about your daughter." He looked pointedly at Amy, who seemed to be ignoring us, just holding onto my arm as if I were going to disappear.
"Your wife was driving through an intersection on what was apparently a green light for her, when a dump truck ran the red light at a high rate of speed and broadsided her car on the passenger side." I felt dizzy and nauseous. In a low voice, he continued, "Your daughter never felt a thing, never knew it was coming. Accident reconstruction says she was looking at your wife and laughing when it happened. She never knew anything. The driver of the truck was killed. It caught fire and burned after the accident. Your wife burned her hands trying to pull him out to save him." They seemed impressed with her heroism. I snorted. They looked at me strangely. I did not tell them that it was likely Victoria tried to pull him out so she could kill him for killing her baby. "It was likely he was already dead before the fire anyway; preliminary evidence indicated he was dead drunk."
Well, at least my baby did not suffer. You have to take the silver lining where you can get it.
I took Amy upstairs to see Victoria. She was sitting in her room, a blank, desperate look on her face. She did not even notice when we walked in. She looked up when I said her name, and I shivered at the haunted, dead, sad look in her eyes. 'I am so sorry, Victoria' my mind cried.
She stood up, and instantly I had two crying, sobbing young ladies in my arms, as Victoria and Amy cried their hearts out. Yeah, I cried some too, but I tried to be strong for my girls.
"It was my fault," Victoria cried, "I took a shortcut so I could get home to you faster. If I had gone the regular way..." She sobbed brokenly.
"It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong, Vickie." I said, emphasizing the name.
She looked up at me in surprise. I had only called her Vickie once before, shortly before we were married. We had had our first, and I think only, argument, on a subject I was not flexible on. Afterwards, she admitted she was wrong when we made up (I don't think she really believed that, she just knew when to quit on that subject) and we agreed that if she was ever being a complete ass, I would call her Vickie.
She smiled faintly and squeezed my hand.
We were in a lull during the crying when a police officer type came in. He reminded me of the jerk, Cop #1. He said he had some questions to ask.
"I'll answer them tomorrow," Victoria stated flatly.
"No. Ma'am, we need to talk about them now. It will only take a few minutes. Now, if you will excuse us..." he said to me. What rock did this ass crawl out from under? The first time I ever heard that tone of voice from Victoria, I knew better than to argue with her. In addition, excusing me from the room? With that attitude, and the present mood Victoria was in, I had no doubt who was coming out of that room alive. Victoria and Amy, almost as one, jerked their heads around and looked at him. Ever hear the terms "Eyes on fire", "Eyes ablaze", or "Flames shooting out of their eyes"? I have seen it now. I had not seen that look on either one of them before, and I certainly did not want to find out right now what it meant. I realized I now had a side bet. Which one of them would kill him first.
I put my hand on his arm. "This is a really bad time. She said she would answer the questions tomorrow. We will see you then. Thank you for coming," I dismissed him politely.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I have to..."
I tightened my grip on his arm and started moving him to the door as I saw both Victoria and Amy start to get up.
"I don't think you heard me or the lady correctly. No. Now get out of this room while you still can."
There we go. He saw Victoria's face. His eyes widened, and he left, quickly.
"Thank you." Victoria hugged me. "One of these days I need to do something about this temper of mine." I don't think she realized what Amy I had noticed long ago - her temper only showed up when the situation involved the well-being of the girls. I smiled weakly at her.
"That's ok, honey. I'm desperately looking for someone to beat the shit out of too."
She looked stricken. Amy looked up, eyes softening too. "Oh, God, honey, I forgot all about you. I'm so sorry, Patrick." That was a sign of how upset she was. She never calls me by my name. She and Amy came over and held me this time. Amy whispered in my ear.
"It's ok to cry, Daddy. Really, it is." I just couldn't, not much.
I decided we would sleep in the hospital room that night, all three of us. I talked to the head nurse and the doctor, and told them that we were not to be disturbed, for any reason, protocols be damned, unless we called for them. Then I called Chief Haskin, told him about the accident, and asked him to keep his people away from us tonight. I told him about the busy body that had already showed up, that I didn't know what Victoria would do in the mood she was in if someone showed up, and Amy was just as bad. I heard his intake of breath, as he no doubt remembered Amy disarming one of his officers and the rumors he had heard and things he suspected about Victoria, and he assured me no one would be there unless we called.
We got ready for bed. I had grabbed a nightgown for Victoria and Amy before I left the house, plus a few other things. Amy looked a little uncomfortable, and finally, she and Victoria whispered in the corner. Amy went into the bathroom while Victoria came over to me.
"She thought we might want to be alone for awhile, for some special time," Victoria explained. "I told her we wanted our little girl next to us all night long." She looked at me questioningly, her eyes pleading with me.
"I agree. I don't know if you have noticed this yet, but she is deathly afraid of being alone. I don't want her alone tonight."
Amy came back in, and looked nervous. I went up to her, hugged her, then picked her up and carried her over to the bed. I laid her down, then Victoria and I got on either side of her and sandwiched her in the ultimate snuggle. Amy clung to me all night long. If I had to get up, she whimpered, and then clung to Victoria. When I came back, she clung to me again. I think she cried almost the whole night. I held her and told her we loved her again. That's all I told her. I knew it would never be all right for any of us ever again. I did not see how it ever could be. Once again, I was wrong. Sometimes I really get sick of being wrong, but this time I was glad I eventually was wrong.
The next two weeks were the worst times we have ever had, the worst I could ever envision it could be. If it gets worse than that, I do not want to be here.
Amy slid downhill very spectacularly during those two weeks. The first three days, I expected it. She had lost her twin sister and best friend, for heavens sakes. After a day or two, Victoria and I started to get back to normal. You have to. You do not forget, but you have to; you have to cook, clean, wash, plan a funeral, talk to relatives. After three days, you just have to start acting normal again because you have no more energy to grieve. I always wondered how people in interviews a week after a loved one died talked normal and did not cry. Now I understood. I was not out of energy due to grieving; that would come later. I always took a long time to react emotionally to things. And this was so big. However, I was out of energy, just trying to help and be there, do things for my girls.
The funeral was a mess. Everyone showed up. There were so many people to talk to. I have always hated funerals, but this one was the ultimate. One thing Amy and I agreed on - we refused to go up and see Cindi in the casket. I would remember her from the last night we spent together, or in many other ways, not as a lifeless doll lying in a box. I was afraid if I heard someone say that classic line "Oh, doesn't she look so natural, just like she's asleep", I was going to say, "No, actually she looks just like she is dead!" I spent my time comforting Amy, and to a lesser extent, Victoria. However, every time I approached Victoria, she shortly sent me back to Amy. She said Amy needed me more.
Finally, it got too much for Amy, and she fled the room, crying. I went after her, and found her sitting on a bench, knees pulled up to her chin, arms around her legs, crying. I sat with her, and held her. I didn't know what to say, and she didn't seem to want any conversation. We never went back in.
They had sort of a memorial service in the school gymnasium. The whole gym was packed full. Knowing how upset Amy was, they did not string it out too long. Someone did get a reaction out of her, though. Towards the end, Katie walked up to the microphone. She said she had a special tribute for Cindi and Amy. She was the only one that included Amy too. She then sang, a capella, the most beautiful rendition of Wind Beneath My Wings I have ever heard. It was a special favorite of mine, because it was the song Victoria picked to be sung to me at our wedding. No one even knew she could sing. She had the most beautiful, clear, bell-like soprano voice I have ever heard. When she got to the line, "Did you ever know that you are my hero?" she looked right at Amy and the empty chair that was there for Cindi. There was not a single dry eye in the place. When she was done, Amy, who had not moved during the entire ceremony, got up, walked over to Katie, and hugged her, thanking her. They then held hands as they went to sit down. Amy insisted she sit in the chair set there for Cindi and they sat together the rest of the program. Pretty good for someone Amy never really liked. She reached her when her loved ones could not. As long as someone did.
After that, it got really bad. Amy wouldn't eat. She couldn't sleep at night. She stayed up almost all night, watching TV. Mindless trash she never watched before. Then she would spend all day sleeping in my arms or on my lap. She wouldn't take a bath for days. She insisted on staying in physical contact, or at least in the same room with one of us at all times. This went on and on. Even worse, she turned snotty. The anti-Amy was here. She would tell us to mind our own business, yell at us, or worse, the biting sarcasm. She wasn't teasing now. She had turned into the nasty 13 year old we had always hoped we would not get. The only things that kept me from laying her across my lap and paddling her obnoxious little butt was the knowledge of what she was going through, and the look deep in her eyes that told me she hated what she was doing, but she just couldn't help it. The feeling that there was something going on here that we did not know about; that I was missing something important constantly plagued me.
Victoria and I were so worried, we started keeping an unofficial suicide watch on her. If she ever left the room alone, one of us followed her. Victoria and I were both on open-ended leaves from our jobs, until we got this straightened out. Some thoughtless idiot called Victoria from work about coming in for something stupid; by the time she was done handing their head to them on a platter, I was wondering if she would even have a job. I didn't care - I was sure I could find something for her to do. When I asked her who that was, she smiled faintly and told me it was her boss. I was impressed; I had never heard her set aside work for us so forcefully.
After a few days of this, we decided Amy had to at least bathe or shower or something. I had told Victoria about the baths when Amy was sick - she thought that might work.
I walked up behind her one day and kissed her on the neck. She smiled faintly. Good, I could still get some reaction.
"Come on, Amy, you need to take a shower. You stink, girl." I said. She turned around and gave me a nasty look.
"I don't really care. Stay away from me if you don't like it."
Oops, hit a nerve there. I bent down and whispered in her ear.
"We could take a bath together."
Finally. That got a reaction. She smiled almost prettily, said ok, and got up to go into the bathroom.
"Oh no you don't," I said, as I picked her up and carried her into the bathroom, where I had already run a bubble bath. Well, she didn't exactly squeal in glee, but she did give me a smile, hugged me, and sighed contentedly when she got in. I climbed in behind her, she leaned back against me, and went to sleep.
After two weeks, Victoria and I were desperate. I tearfully told her I thought we were going to lose Amy too, and I could not stand that. Suddenly, all these things started entering my mind that I had forgotten about before. It started with Amy telling me that Cindi was gone; she couldn't feel her anymore when I went to pick her up to take her to the hospital. Then I remembered all the times Cindi and Amy had told me that Victoria was ok, and the time Cindi told me that Amy was not ok. The way they communicated without words in the hospital room. The "dream", which I never believed was a dream that they both had in San Francisco. The way they looked at each other, possibly communicating, when they were trying to convince me that Victoria needed me. Maybe there was something here we were missing.
After Amy and I finished her bath, I brought her out into the living room. She promptly sat on my lap and started to go to sleep.
"No, Amy stay awake. We need to talk"
"Don't want to."
"What did you mean the day I picked you up when you said Cindi was gone, that you couldn't feel her anymore?"
Well! That certainly got a reaction. She looked at me with more fire, more anger in her eyes than I had seen in a long time.
"My sister is dead, Dad, and you are wasting my time playing games, asking me questions you've known the answer to for years? Give me a break and leave me alone."
I was not letting this one go. I moved her head, and held it so I could look directly into her eyes.
"Amy, have I ever lied to you?"
"Every Christmas, when I guess my Christmas present!" She smiled slightly. The old Amy was still in there, I just had to find a way to reach it. She was hurting badly in some way that I just did not quite understand yet.
"Ok, Have I ever lied to you about anything important?"
"Christmas presents are pretty important to a little girl," she replied. "Ok, Dad, no you haven't. What is your point?"
"The point is that neither your Mom nor I understand what you mean when you say you can't feel her anymore."
"Come on, Dad, you know what I mean, that place in your mind where Cindi was, where she lived, the place where you could always feel her, know she was there and ok. Doesn't it bother you that she isn't there anymore?"
Victoria and I looked at her blankly. She looked at us closely. Then I noticed something new on Amy's face - fear.
"You really have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?" she whispered.
We both shook our heads. She started crying.
"Oh, God, I really am all alone then! I'm a freak! No one can help me! I wish I had died instead of Cindi! It's my fault. I insisted she go on that trip instead of me! I killed her!" She tried to get off my lap and run into her bedroom, but I held her and wouldn't let her go. She kept trying to get away. She got so desperate she swung around and hit me. Hard. It was so unexpected that I didn't even have a chance to stop her. She had never hit me before. There are just some things you never expect in life, and Amy hitting me was one of them. I felt the room spin, and then I blacked out.
When I came to, Victoria was bathing my head with a warm washcloth. My jaw really hurt. I didn't care for the look in her eyes. I knew she wouldn't hurt Amy, but she was in big trouble. Amy was holding me, sobbing.
"I'm so sorry, Daddy, I didn't mean it, please wake up, I love you. Mommy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt him." She looked at Victoria, and knew she was NOT forgiven. Not yet, anyway. Victoria's eyes said she had had enough of this and something needed to change. I put my hand on her arm, and had her help me up.
"Victoria, it's ok. She didn't mean it. She can't help it. I know now why she's hurting."
The three of us sat and talked for hours. Victoria and I listened in amazement to a story we never knew or suspected.
It seems that Cindi and Amy had always had some kind of mental connection, since as early as they could remember. They had never mentioned it, because they just thought everyone did it. It was all they knew, so it was normal. They always knew where the other one was. Even on opposite sides of the continent, they knew where the other one was. Specific stuff, like she is in the mall downtown shopping. They couldn't tell what store, but knew the location. They were also able to tell the emotions and feelings of the other one. If Cindi was unhappy, upset, afraid, Amy knew it. They were also able, to a more limited degree, to do the same with Victoria and me. Apparently, Cindi was able to block access to her emotions to a certain degree, as she hid from Amy her emotions when she was being raped. Amy did not know how she did that. There were also some times lately when Cindi had been blocking her, from emotions that lasted a few hours. Amy got the impression that they were very intense, and were happy emotions, so Amy didn't worry about it. I could tell her what those were, but I was not going to! The last two years or so, starting in San Francisco, they started to be able to pass some rudimentary thoughts to each other. Their ability to monitor our emotions had gotten stronger. Hence, the ability to tell that Victoria was in trouble in San Francisco. And the ability to tell she was ok. They had lied about it being a dream, because by this time, they were beginning to realize that this was not something everyone could do. They didn't want to be thought of as freaks. They still thought that all of us in the family could do it, at least to some degree, until Amy found out differently today. Apparently, there was a little place in her mind where the knowledge of Cindi lived; it was always there, the feeling that she was ok, happy, etc. Now, that place was empty and black, and Amy was inconsolable. Imagine losing your eyesight. How devastating would that be? This was worse, maybe like losing your eyesight, your favorite sister, and your best friend, all at once.
"So, this is how, when we were in the altercation with the policemen, you told Cindi to stop Mom?"
"Well, yes, but how did you know about that? Cindi wasn't supposed to tell anyone about this stuff, we promised each other."
"Cindi didn't tell me; I heard you, loud and clear, but your lips never moved."
"That is new; I have never been able to do that before." She bit her bottom lip; she didn't seem to care for that at all.
We finally talked ourselves out. We had no solutions. Amy had lost something invaluable, that meant the world to her, and it was irreplaceable. Although we could never replace Cindi, we could fill our lives with other people, other friends. She could not do that. In many ways, Amy was even more upset now that we had talked. She knew she was truly alone in the world; no one was going to come save her. She wasn't sure she wanted to go on.
I was very upset when we went to bed. I had hoped that this would somehow make things better, knowing what the problem was, and all I had done was made it worse. I cried that night, after everyone was asleep. Not grieving for Cindi; I still had not gotten there yet, but grieving for Amy. A lost little girl that I had just hurt even more. I wished I could help; I would do anything to help this lost little girl find her way. Amy's arm tightening around my waist, her little kisses on my neck, and her head on my shoulder dropping her own tears told me my tears had not gone as unnoticed as I thought.
The next day, Sunday, things were even worse. Amy was, if possible, even more surly, rude, and obnoxious. I could see in her eyes how much she hated herself for it. She stayed in her room most of the day. We let her keep the door closed because we did not want her to think we didn't trust her, but we made a point of checking in with her on an irregular basis, but at least every hour or so. That pissed her off even more.
Victoria and I were sitting there, holding each other and trying desperately to think of something to do, when there was a timid little knock on the door. It was 11:00 in the morning. I remember looking at my watch, as it was an odd time for visitors. When I answered it, Katie was standing there. After I let her in, she just stood there, looking lost. Finally, she spoke.
"I am so sorry, Daddy." My eyes welled up with tears at that. She looked so much like Cindi, and she called me Daddy! "I would change places with her if I could. I would gladly take her place if it would bring her back," she sobbed. I looked in her eyes, and I knew this sweet little girl was telling the truth. She would, gladly. I pulled her into my arms and hugged her. "I love you so much, I would do anything for you, anything at all," she whispered in my ear as she cried.
Finally, I pulled away from her. "So, did you just come over here to make me cry, or is there something we can do for you, little girl?" I said flippantly, trying to get a handle on my emotions. She giggled and looked at me speculatively. Then she got serious.
"Amy needs me. Now," she stated.
"Well, you know where her room is. Be warned. She is in a nasty mood. I hope you can cheer her up."
She smiled gently at me, said hi to Victoria, walked over to Amy's room, opened the door, and walked in, shutting the door after her. That was strange, I thought. Katie is impeccably polite. She never enters someone else's room, or house, without knocking first. Even if she has just been there. I shrugged, and went back to Victoria.
One hour later, there was still no sign of Amy or Katie. I went to her door, and knocked.
"What?!?" Amy hollered.
"Are you ok? You guys need anything to drink?"
"I know where it is if we do. Leave me alone! Stop bothering me!"
"Oh, Amy!" I heard Katie's voice, sounding angry. "You can't talk to him that way! He's your father."
"They won't leave me alone. I'm sick of it!"
"Amy, they are hurting too. Maybe worse than you. You lost a sister. They have lost two daughters, the way you are acting. Do you know what I would give to have a father like that? They love you so much..."
At that point, I stopped eavesdropping, feeling guilty. I sat down next to Victoria again. She saw the look on my face, and did not say anything. After another two hours and no Amy or Katie, I just had to risk Amy's wrath and check again. I knocked on the door again.
"Amy, honey, you ok? Is there anything I can get you?"
"I'm fine, Daddy. Thank you." Amy's sweet voice answered me. A pause, then apparently feeling bad for her nastiness at my last knock, "I love you and Mommy, Daddy!" I was too stunned and choked up to even answer. Victoria took one look at my face and knew something had happened.
"What happened?" she asked fearfully.
I smiled and said "Amy's back and I hope she stays."
Amy and Katie finally came out of the room at 5:00. Amy was smiling and they both had been crying. They hugged, and Amy asked Katie if she would see her in school tomorrow. Katie said absolutely. Amy went into the bathroom. Katie started to leave, and then walked over to me. She sat on my lap and whispered in my ear.
"She's ok. She will be fine now. It's ok now."
I hugged her tightly. "Thank you for giving me back my little girl. I can never repay you enough for this. Anything you ever want, just ask."
She giggled. "Careful what you say, I just might take you up on that!" She kissed me softly, then got up and went over to Victoria. They whispered too softly for me to hear. Katie giggled and blushed. Katie, blushing? I am probably glad I missed what was said there! The hugged, and Katie left.
A few minutes later, Amy came into the room. Her face was scrubbed and her hair was combed. Victoria had moved over to the couch next to me. Amy came over, and squished herself down in between us.
"Mom, Dad, I'm so sorry! I've been such a brat lately. I'm so ashamed. Please forgive me. I promise I will try to do better. Mom, please, please forgive me for hitting Dad. I love you both."
We cuddled together for quite a while, and then we all went out for pizza and pistachio ice cream. Well, ok, there are some disadvantages to being a happy family again.
Later, after Victoria went to bed, Amy and I stayed up and talked for a while. I asked her what had happened with Katie.
"Oh, nothing really. We just talked. She made me realize how lucky I was to have parents like you-guys. Made me see what a snot I had been. Dad, I am sorry. Cindi was so important to me." Her eyes were getting wet again. "I just lost it and went to pieces. I'm sure I will have bad days again. Katie will help. She's really nice. She's kind of like Cindi. And she really likes you!" She giggled. Oh, God, how I had missed that sound!
I may not be a certifiable genius teenager, but I can tell when the subject is being changed on me. She was good, though. I let her steer the conversation away from my question... Her changing the subject partially answered the question anyway. Just talked, my foot. My daughter never was a good liar. Well, as long as she was better, I was happy. I was beginning to suspect that Katie was a very special little girl, indeed.
